ESPN: the FEF is Cashing You Out!

In a shameless plug for ESPN's own world series of poker, today on ESPN.com, they summoned all their columnists to produce the tired debate (read "tired" as whipping a pile of glue, much less a dead horse) on whether Poker is a sport. Today on the FEF, much like the Zulu warriors deploying on multiple sides with their Impiis, I will try and destroy two of the most trite and annoying topics that inundate us when we sit down and try and watch a little sports analysis.

The First: Anything to do with poker. I admit it. Rounders was cool. I thought Matt Damon's character going against John Malkovich in an underground poker house was awesome. It had this edgy New York underworld not seen since Mean Streets and Taxi Driver. Also, you had cool character names like Teddy KGB, Worm, and Knish. We also got to learn about professional poker players like Johnny Chan. Before, when we thought of poker, we assumed 5 card draw or stud. But with Rounders, we learned of No Limit Texas Hold 'em. Poker was not for fat old dudes anymore. Needless to say, the networks, sensing an opportunity started broadcasting the World Series of Poker. First, The Discovery Channel had a couple documentaries on it. Then, the Travel Channel hopped on board. (Note to Travel Channel: You want ratings? Play Spring Break and Mardi Gras shows nonstop. That is the only reason people stop at your channel anyway. Is this actually getting into the posting? Whoops.) Then ESPN, in the television version of "Smear the Queer" (If Bravo can use Queer, well, so can I. Besides gay is the new black…) started broadcasting "The World Series of Poker." The funny part is they are all at different venues, prompting all of us to demand: would the real World Series of Poker please stand up? (The real slim shady may sit down I suppose at this point) Baseball does not have this problem. Also, these shows are on ALL THE TIME! How can I track who is the world series champion of poker? Tracking them by any man wearing gaudy bracelets I am afraid will not work. If that were the case Newark, New Jersey and Philadelphia, PA have an inordinate amount of Poker champions per capita…

The point is the show is tiring. There is no dominant player. It always seems like a new champ is some first year guy. Could it be that no one knows how to read him right away? Or maybe it is GAMBLING, so LUCK IS INVOLVED! The play-by-play does not help. Norman Chad spits out tired one liners that seem as manufactured as his hairpiece. (Yes, that was also a manufactured one liner, and yes, I do see the irony…shut up.)

Obviously, Rounders is a great movie, but not realistic. Let's face it. A bar wench working in an illegal poker game room would not look like Famke Janssen. Therefore, let's realize that Poker is a card game with a lot of luck involved. Therefore, the Cinderella story motif is a bit overplayed. Maybe we should have the World Series of Slot Machines, and we can marvel in how the blue haired women only seem to keep their championship for a limited time, like until the Prime Rib buffet opens…

If these games continue to be televised, I demand this: No hats or sunglasses! Isn't the whole point of being a good player is to control your reactions and expressions? To bluff your opponent? What is to stop some player from bringing a plywood wall and slipping his cards in and out of his makeshift battlement? Get some control of this, people.

With televised Poker effectively ended by my searing commentary, I will now stop the "sport not a sport" debate. This is a phenomenon that was cool to chat about with the boys over a few beers. When it surfaced with sportswriters talking about it, we had a great "Coooooooooool" moment (the moment where we were mesmerized by the fact that sportswriters are talking about the same pointless debates we engage in). Here is the unfortunate part: we stop, they do not…over and over they drive it into the ground. Thanks, Bob Ryan for letting me know your opinions on Bocce and lumberjack sports.

(Quick Dreamality on this. Remember Quarterback Princess when Helen Hunt is invited by the boyfriend -the guy who played Cougar- to play lumberjack games to show off how tough he was? I am laughing thinking about that scene…I digress)

While they make fun of shuffleboard and bowling, then they start rampaging into track and field and race car driving. Then we get the half wits like Mike Lupica trying to make uniform rules (I drive on the Tappan Zee, I don't consider that a sport…Or there is no contact in golf, that is not a sport) The rants become tiresome, and in case some of you reading do not have friends, no one sits around and debates these things anymore. In fact the main thing my friends sit around and talk about that is sports related is which sportswriter is the most idiotic and ignorant.

So, ESPN: do not go the way of MTV. You are a sports station. Play sports. The focus should be sports, not the people who cover them. You don't see newscasters trying to be more important than the story…Oh, wait a minute.

Comments

[inkling]

"What is to stop some player from bringing a plywood wall and slipping his cards in and out of his makeshift battlement?"

I couldn't agree more (with the no-glasses rule). And I laughed my proverbial ass off, to boot.

(What is with that phrase anyway -- "to boot"? And who the hell uses it anymore?)

[The Misspent Life]

My friends and I do not discuss sports except to say something about the Premiership, at which point I shut my mouth because I don't know anything about it.

I don't think Poker is fun to watch (hint: if Bravo is running it, ESPN shouldn't). I do like the Lumberjack, World's Strongest Man, and Billiard shows though. Have you noticed how good looking the pool broads are? Damn, they get all glammed up in evening dresses n' shit.

In the future, please Italicise the names of your movies you reference. It just looks better.

Also, why aren't you linked on more sites? C'mon, step it up.

[inkling]

My, what a harsh taskmaster you are. Sometimes I wonder whether Misspent Life and FEF aren't just the split personalities of one person. Wouldn't that be creepy, in a Norman Bates-in-his-dead-mother's-dress kind of way. Without all the killing, of course. Unless you are a killer. In which case, I'll just be going now...

[The Misspent Life]

FEF and I are not the same person. Thank God for that.